Being Your Gift

If you are like myself, you have probably been told for years that you have something unique to offer to the world. Something that, once you find it, will be your golden ticket to happiness and success. All around you, you can see people that have found their gift, maybe they are a musician, a painter, a motivational speaker, a comedian… whatever it is they have a spark that enlivens their chosen path and its clear, that’s what they are meant to do. You’ve probably also had experiences where you see people who are pursuing a path that on the outside they seem to love and have a passion for but something is missing. Maybe in your own life you have a practice or career that fits all the logical avenues for success, but it just doesn’t light up your life like you would hope. You probably ask yourself the same question I asked myself over and over for years: “What am I supposed to be doing with my life?

All over the place, in books, TED talks, movies, blogs, social media, and personal experiences you have heard that you have to discover your gift and once you figure out what it is, the universe will re-arrange itself to support you in sharing that gift with the world. This is a beautiful idea and I think to some degree it is true but that is just the surface of a concept missing its roots. It is very true that some people are destined to be amazing musicians, artists, speakers, designers, etc. but what we are not acknowledging about these people is that it’s not what they do that matters, but who they are.

Maybe you are one of those people that has a singular, clear path to greatness that you just haven’t discovered yet but my guess, if you are reading this article, is that that’s not the case for you. Like myself, you are probably one of the multifaceted types of people; the Renaissance man so to speak; a woman with a thousand passions. You are probably someone who sees the possibility of your gift in many different avenues in life but none of them seem to be IT. So, what now? How do you decide what IT is? Maybe you just jump in and go towards something that seems close… that’s excellent. It might turn out to unlock the gift inside you. That approach probably works beautifully for many people, but what if you have already done that and still haven’t found that magic in your life.

What if discovering your gift isn’t actually about discovering something at all, maybe it’s about discovering someone… who, might you ask, is that someone? Well, who else would it be… its YOU! Now let me clarify here, I am not talking about the ego you; the you that you talk about when you meet a new friend, that has a certain type of car, that lives in a certain type of house; the you with a spouse, or kids, or the you that never wants kids; I’m not talking about the you that likes certain types of music or food; not even the you that you see in the mirror every day. All of those explanations of who you are are valuable, helpful aspects of being human, and lets face it, without those identifications of self, we would all struggle to interact with others. The You I am talking about is in the background, behind all that stuff that we think makes us who we are. The You that I am talking about is at the core of your being, the unique light that shines through you when you let it. The You that I am talking about could be called the soul, or the spirit, but I’m going to call it your essence. By definition essence is: “the intrinsic nature or indispensable quality of something, especially something abstract, that determines its character.”

So, now that you know it’s about who you are instead of what you do, how does that help you? Let me digress for a moment here…

I recently watched a Colbert Late Show episode and Quincy Jones was Stephen’s guest… part of the way through the interview he said something that really stuck with me. He was telling the story about how his relationship with music began one day when he was 12 years old breaking into an office at the Armory with his “mini gangster” friends. He said: “So after we ate up all the pie and had fights with it and everything, we went individually to different offices and broke into offices, and I went to Mrs. Harris’, the supervisors office, and there was a standard piano over there in the corner, and I almost……. and this is amazing…….and I went over and I closed the door, and something said idiot, go back in that room and check that piano out… And I didn’t know human beings played instruments, you know, I really didn’t! And so I went over to that piano slowly and I touched it, and every cell in my body said this is what you are going to do the rest of your life.”

So, now you are probably thinking, come on, this is just another example of someone who discovered WHAT they were meant to do and then did it. This is the opposite of what you are talking about… and that’s true on some level. Quincy, and many talented (or should I say gifted) artists discover their path when they are very young. He said it himself, he knew the moment he touched the piano that it was what he was going to do the rest of his life. But lets examine it further… Quincy also says that until that day he didn’t even know people played music. He had never been around an instrument in his whole life and somehow he knew instantly that he was meant to be a musician. What happened that made it so clear for him? How could someone know they are meant to do something that they have never done?

He felt it. He felt it so deeply that as I watched the interview on Colbert, I felt it too. I got chills and I could tell he was completely genuine when recounting his experience. It was something that stuck with him his whole life. It was the first moment he truly met himself. And for the rest of his life, he walked towards music from the deep essence of Quincy Jones. Sure, some could say that it’s the thing he did that was his true expression but I disagree, I think that the only way he was able to become a successful musician was that he found himself and then trusted enough to keep expressing who he was through his chosen medium, music.

On a related but slightly different tangent, I recently read a book called Big Magic that was a stepping stone to my own realization of who I am. In the book, author Elizabeth Gilbert, talks about ideas as separate energetic ‘life forms’ that are driven by the desire to be manifest. Ideas spend their ‘life’ swirling around looking for a human to interact with because the only way an idea can be manifest is to collaborate with a human partner. When they sense they have found an open channel they will pay you a visit. She explains inspiration as that moment an idea comes to you:

“But sometimes—rarely, but magnificently—there comes a day when you’re open and relaxed enough to actually receive something. Your defenses might slacken and your anxieties might ease, and then magic can slip through. The idea, sensing your openness, will start to do its work on you. It will send the universal physical and emotional signals of inspiration (the chills up the arms, the hair standing up on the back of the neck, the nervous stomach, the buzzy thoughts, that feeling of falling into love or obsession). The idea will organize coincidences and portents to tumble across your path, to keep your interest keen. You will start to notice all sorts of signs pointing you toward the idea. Everything you see and touch and do will remind you of the idea. The idea will wake you up in the middle of the night and distract you from your everyday routine. The idea will not leave you alone until it has your fullest attention.”

I see the ‘idea’ explained here as a metaphor for the essence of your being. Like an idea, your essence wants to be expressed or manifest, but contrary to the way she explains ideas, I believe your essence can only be expressed by you. It only has one vessel for which to shine… Yours. It will wait for your entire life showing itself whenever possible, waiting to be fully recognized; never leaving you to find another. Your essence is always there, and will always be there. It’s your job to peel away all the stuff covering him/her up and let your essence come out to play. Gilbert speaks to this by saying: “The universe buries strange jewels deep within us all and then stands back to see if we can find them…..Do you have the courage to bring forth the treasures that are hidden within you?”

In both Quincy’s account of touching the piano and Elizabeth Gilberts explanation of inspiration something similar is going on. That moment of realization comes with a very real body response; a physical reaction that can be felt deeply and profoundly. It’s the same way I ‘met myself’ the other day in the hot tub. It wasn’t the first time I discovered who I am but it was the first time I had a realization that resonated so deeply; the first time I knew that what I do doesn’t matter as long as I am being who I am while I do it. Those tingly, highly sensory moments are the type of moments that points towards who you are. Those are the ones to recognize and pay attention to. Those are the moments where you can discover your gift and deeply understand your inner being.

So how about you? What can you do to shake hands with the essence of your being? My advice is to look back at times it has already happened. I wasn’t like Quincy Jones in that the moment he first met himself. No, not me! I met myself the first time and I then studied her from afar. I was enticed by her but instead of embracing her as myself, I imagined her as something separate from myself. I personified her and made her something to aspire to which left me always reaching towards something that was unattainable. For many, many years she sat inside me waiting to be seen. Whenever she would get the opportunity she would shoot out a tendril of magic and touch my life but I kept her under a tight watch and only let her out once in a while. In those moments of authenticity the positive reinforcements were plentiful, but my mental patterns and fear kept me from allowing her to touch all aspects of my life…until now.

Below is my story, the one that explains how I finally came to accept who I am. Read it if you want to know more about me, but do me a favor, once you are done, take a moment to reflect on your life. When have you met deep-self inspiration? When have you let magic touch your life? When do you remember feeling authentically inspired and why did that inspire you? Try not to think about what you were doing or what the idea was. Instead think about how it felt to be you in those moments. Try to remember the quality of your essence instead of the story around it. Because that’s how I found who I am, I found her by realizing that I knew her all along; that she is the ‘idea’ that will never go away, that will be there forever, wanting to be manifest and all I have to do is say yes.

My name is Trinity Sarah Allison. I have had many names, and the story of my names has been one of epic telling; in other words, I have told the story of my name hundreds of times because when you have a name like Trinity, people ask about it. A question I often get is, “Is that your given/birth name”, to which I answer no. I was given the first name Sarah and middle name Allison at birth but growing up everyone in my family called me Allie. I was Allie in school until 5^th grade when I decided I wanted to be called Allison. That didn’t last long and I went back to Allie but for years I tried out different ways to spell Allie, Ally, Ali, Alli, Aly… something kept telling me ‘Allie’ wasn’t exactly right. I never hated the name but I also never wore it with pride. It was sort of like a cute sweater that just didn’t fit quite right. In college I decided to try out Sarah. For my first year and a half at Sonoma State I was Sarah to everyone new but that also seemed strange after going by Allie for so long…. then I moved to Hawaii and back to Allie it was.

So how did I end up with Trinity and what does that have to do with my essence? I’m sure as a kid I heard the word trinity time and again, saw it on a Church sign or heard it spoken here and there. I was not raised religious, so Trinity didn’t have the same significance as it might to someone who learned about the Father, Son and Holy Spirit at a young age. The first time I remember learning about the trinity was in the form of the symbol. It was at a rest stop on the way to Tahoe. There was a Native American woman with a blanket full of jewelry laid out by the bathrooms and when my boyfriend at the time saw me looking at them he told me to pick one out and he would buy it for me. I spent several minutes looking and said out loud that I wished they had a peace symbol. The woman picked up a necklace with a Celtic knot and said it was the trinity symbol that also means peace in Native American. She said it represented the mind, body, spirit connection as well as many other triad relationships. The moment I saw the necklace I got chills. I knew it was the one I wanted and I had the immediate thought that I wanted to get a tattoo of that symbol. My boyfriend had some tattoos and I knew I wanted one but didn’t know until then what it would be. That moment it became clear, trinity was something that I felt deeply and I wanted to wear it the rest of my life. When my boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks later I remember thinking about the symbol and wondering if I should get a different tattoo because it would remind me of him but when I felt into it, there was no question, trinity wasn’t about him at all, it was about me. I still felt the same about the symbol and decided to get the tattoo a few weeks later. Becoming clear and aligned in mind, body, and spirit became something I would aspire to for the rest of my life.

Fast forward about 4 years, I was in California after moving back from Hawaii and I was dating a guy who went by a name other then his birth name. That was something I had never even considered, but he said he chose it because it felt more real to him then his birth name. That got me wondering, could I do that too? On our way to a party one night he asked me if I wanted to go by another name. We were going to meet a whole new group of people and no one would know who I was so I could just have fun and try it out. It sounded intriguing but I couldn’t think of any name that I would want to be called… and then it hit me… it was like a huge wave crashing into the car and all at once I realized, of course, I’ll go by Trinity! I was tingly, excited, and I remember the moment so clearly. That night was the first time I spoke my name and I was on cloud nine. At the party every single person I introduced myself to expressed how beautiful the name was and it gave me more confidence. I had several people one after the next tell me how much it fit me, and even though they didn’t know me at all, I felt like they were right. It was a strange experience but it left me invigorated and feeling more alive then ever. I decided to keep playing with the name when I met new people. I continued to get the same response, people telling me that they loved my name. After a few months, I started wondering if maybe I could use the name Trinity in the rest of my life but I was met with lots of internal resistance. It took me the next 7 years to grow into the name Trinity and through that process I have uncovered and discovered my essence as well.

I can tell you now that changing your name is a huge process. It involves a lot of self inquiry, trust and patience. It will test your resolve and will show you your fears and insecurities along the way. If it’s right for you it’s completely worth it but it’s also not at all necessary to finding your essence. I only share this part of my story because it is so intertwined with who I am.

“Trinity” began as something I was reaching towards, and has slowly evolved over many years. It started as an emphasis outward and I aspired to be like the mythical goddess Trinity, aligned in mind, body and spirit. I investigated connections, balance, mental and spiritual practices and self inquiry. I learned methods of uncovering mental patterns and working through breakdowns, I developed my yoga practice physically and spiritually. I reached towards things that interested me and looked for something specific that I could do to share myself with the world. I often had thoughts about how the idea of trinity could be related to my path but never found clarity for a single direction. I was looking for something that would light up my life and truly inspire me but none of the things I found seemed to touch me that deeply. I have yet to find that one single thing that I am meant to do… Instead I have tons of passions, lots of ideas and ways I like to express myself. I have been looking and searching for my path for so long that the goal of finding my gift started to feel unattainable. I’ve always known that that I have a lot inside me that wants to be shared but I still felt blocked in knowing how to do that. Then the other night everything changed.

It was around midnight when I went outside to my hot tub and there was a magnificent ring around the moon, so big and bright, like nothing I have seen before. It took up a huge portion of the sky, absolutely beautiful! I could feel a hint of magic in the air. When I soak by myself I often use that time to reflect and feel into things that are coming up for me. That night, what was ‘up’ was… “What is my gift?”. For the past year or so I have thought maybe teaching yoga is what I’m meant to do but something has held me back, the same thing that holds me back from writing or sharing my voice: the thought that if I was really supposed to be a yoga teacher I would just know it. I thought that finding your gift is supposed to happen like it did for Quincy Jones, with magic and tingles and fireworks. Then I thought back about those moments I have had and I asked myself: “Of all the times in my life I have felt deeply inspired what do they all have it common?” That was the moment the door opened and magic was let in. I had the realization I have been on the brink of for so long. My gift is not about anything, its about being authentic to who I am. I named “her” Trinity long ago, but she is just a representation of my essence. I am her when I am me, when I truly let go of the fear of failure, and the fear of being seen that’s when I am authentic, and its from that place that my light will shine. That’s when I shook hands with God and met myself in the process.

Photo Credit: Carmen Alvarez Photography

What happened next was incredible. The floodgates opened and it was like a thousand ideas came pouring in. Every one of them had a spark behind them. I could see myself going in so many directions, sharing my gift in so many ways, and it didn’t seem so hard anymore. Where before I was hesitant to teach yoga because I didn’t think it was the one thing I was meant to do, now I know that I can teach if I do it authentically. I can share my gift through teaching because I want to, not because I’m supposed to. Where before I was shy to write and share my ideas, now I can put it out there and not worry if people like it or not, it’s just an idea, an expression that will resonate with some and not with others and that’s how it’s supposed to be. I don’t have to try to find my path, I don’t have to discover the one true thing I am meant to do because I’m meant to do lots of things and as long as I focus on my essence and being true to myself, everything I do will be an expression of the divine light that I am.

Every person has their own obstacles to overcome, their own recipe that life has served up, their own stuff to get through to get to a place where they can be unique and self expressed. And, the truth is, not everyone will get there. Many people will live their lives trying to fit in, trying to get rich or look good, trying to become famous or be like someone they admire, but they will never find out who they really are at their core. Some people will search and search and search, but they will never embrace who they are because they are always trying to be a better version of themselves (their self identified ego). So, here’s a stepping stone for you, if you resonate with what I’m saying and you aspire to knowing your truth… Ask yourself: What do I already know? Let go of it being a thing, a purpose, a clearly defined path and try to think about what stands out to you. Instead of trying to find out what you are meant to do with your life, try to discover, who are you meant to be? Who is the essence of your being? Because its when you meet yourself for the first time, that your life’s path unfolds. That’s when you discover your true gift: being who you are.